| Well, this Salsa Brava story may make a few of the local fellas mad, and I do apologize to them, but they do all know the
One nice day, with waves a couple of feet overhead, I was surfing the second peak, to get away from the crowd up at first peak.
Everything was going great - I was getting good waves, not taking any bad wipeouts, and the sun was shining on my back...until
it wasn't. See, I had just drank a hot cup of coffee and rushed out to the lineup, without my usual morning routine involving a
newspaper, a throne, and my scented aloe-vera toilet paper.
So between the combination of good waves and bad timing, a sudden, overwhelming urge to take a big crap soon overcame me.
I tried to hold it, but it's not like when you're sitting on your couch, or driving your car and holding it - you're rocking
around on the ocean's surface on a thin sliver of foam, and it tends to shake your bowels just a bit. I weighed my options,
quickly, and realized that there was simply not even close to enough time to get in and use a bathroom. I realized that the ocean
was my only choice for me to do the dirty deed, and I thought about paddling into the inside channel for some privacy, but I knew
I would surely get pounded hard by a wave on my way there, by paddling into the wrong spot on the reef. I tried to catch one in,
but couldn't get into the right position for a wave, and there were no sets on the horizon, anyway.
I surrepticiously looked around, the urge to poo growing by the second, and saw one possible major problem; a big, scary looking
long-dreaded local rastaman, paddling up the reef towards me, on his way back up to the first peak after a good, long wave.
At that very moment, my being cool and holding it in went from being a mildly hopeful thought into a completely hopeless situation.
I was going number two, right then, right there. So, while keeping one eye on the ocean and one eye on the rasta, I gently slipped
off my board, oh hum de dum, just swimming around between sets, nothing to see here... but he kept his eye on me, so I turned my
board up on it's side, blocking his view with the deck of my board. I then dropped my drawers, and let nature happen. It felt like
a truly beautiful thing.
However, things quickly turned scary for me - I was really nervous the approaching local would see my crime and do something awful
to me, as he was a big dude, and indeed, I was crapping in his home break, but amazingly enough, I was succesful, and while he paddled
by, eyeballing me, I kept my board rail-up, and neatly blocked his view of my new babies.
He paddled off, but there were several of my smelly spawn staying right there with me, even though I was on my board and leaving
the area. My shorts were on and I was paddling away from the offal as quickly as I could, as there were other surfers in the general
area and I wanted to distance myself from my incriminating sewage, but the little brown bastards were staying with me, pulled along
by my wake.
I stopped, and turned my board up on it's side again. This time, I swished the turds away, and had much more success, though other
surfers were still looking at me, wondering just what I was doing. Finally, I got on my board, and paddled hard, as a set was on the
I missed the waves in that set, but those brown bastards quickly became brown bombers as they plummeted over the falls, and were
almost certainly pummeled into near-nothingness.
Sweeter relief couldn't be bought.