Surf School
Articles (Administrator)
Poop Deck |
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| Well, this Salsa Brava story may make a few of the local fellas mad, and I do apologize to them, but they do all know the feeling... One nice day, with waves a couple of feet overhead, I was surfing the second peak, to get away from the crowd up at first peak. Everything was going great - I was getting good waves, not taking any bad wipeouts, and the sun was shining on my back...until it wasn't. See, I had just drank a hot cup of coffee and rushed out to the lineup, without my usual morning routine involving a newspaper, a throne, and my scented aloe-vera toilet paper. So between the combination of good waves and bad timing, a sudden, overwhelming urge to take a big crap soon overcame me. I tried to hold it, but it's not like when you're sitting on your couch, or driving your car and holding it - you're rocking around on the ocean's surface on a thin sliver of foam, and it tends to shake your bowels just a bit. I weighed my options, quickly, and realized that there was simply not even close to enough time to get in and use a bathroom. I realized that the ocean was my only choice for me to do the dirty deed, and I thought about paddling into the inside channel for some privacy, but I knew I would surely get pounded hard by a wave on my way there, by paddling into the wrong spot on the reef. I tried to catch one in, but couldn't get into the right position for a wave, and there were no sets on the horizon, anyway. I surrepticiously looked around, the urge to poo growing by the second, and saw one possible major problem; a big, scary looking long-dreaded local rastaman, paddling up the reef towards me, on his way back up to the first peak after a good, long wave. At that very moment, my being cool and holding it in went from being a mildly hopeful thought into a completely hopeless situation. I was going number two, right then, right there. So, while keeping one eye on the ocean and one eye on the rasta, I gently slipped off my board, oh hum de dum, just swimming around between sets, nothing to see here... but he kept his eye on me, so I turned my board up on it's side, blocking his view with the deck of my board. I then dropped my drawers, and let nature happen. It felt like a truly beautiful thing. However, things quickly turned scary for me - I was really nervous the approaching local would see my crime and do something awful to me, as he was a big dude, and indeed, I was crapping in his home break, but amazingly enough, I was succesful, and while he paddled by, eyeballing me, I kept my board rail-up, and neatly blocked his view of my new babies. He paddled off, but there were several of my smelly spawn staying right there with me, even though I was on my board and leaving the area. My shorts were on and I was paddling away from the offal as quickly as I could, as there were other surfers in the general area and I wanted to distance myself from my incriminating sewage, but the little brown bastards were staying with me, pulled along by my wake. I stopped, and turned my board up on it's side again. This time, I swished the turds away, and had much more success, though other surfers were still looking at me, wondering just what I was doing. Finally, I got on my board, and paddled hard, as a set was on the way. I missed the waves in that set, but those brown bastards quickly became brown bombers as they plummeted over the falls, and were almost certainly pummeled into near-nothingness. Sweeter relief couldn't be bought. |
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